Red vs Blue vs Green
by Mr Wang 330
Summary: What happens when the Reds and Blues discover a new team hidden right there in Blood Gulch? Nothing much really. They're just another part of the family... a very violent and dysfunctional family at that. This won't end well. Several OCs and OC pairings.
1. Episode 1

**Hello everybody! This is my first Red vs. Blue fic! Hope you enjoy! I have a lot of OCs and OC pairings in store, so I hope you like it! Just so you know, I'll be a little biased toward the Blues. I just like them better. Sorry Red fans. I'll try to even it out between them in future chapters.**

It was a typical day in Blood Gulch. Sun was shining. Wind was whistling. And the occasional stray gunshot heard in the distance. Yeah... this was the life. As if... This place sucked ass. All there ever was and ever will be, is to kill the opposing team. It's so god damn boring. Same old war. Same old canyon. Same old battlefield. Same old battle. Same old Blues and Reds. At least until the fateful day, they discovered they were not alone...

Michael J. Caboose was standing atop the Blue base roof, sniper rifle in hand. He was tasked with keeping watch for the Reds, in case of attack. As if. It's doubtful the Blues would be properly prepared anyway. But Caboose was willing to do anything Church said, if it meant winning back his respect. However, that's a little harder than that sounds. Because between killing him, and being a complete dumbass, it was doubtful Caboose would even get a Christmas card this year. But at the moment, Caboose was having trouble with his sniper. Instead of merely pointing it in the general direction of the Red base, Caboose was fiddling with the scope, just trying to get a fix on something. He would just end up randomly looking around the canyon. However, Caboose actually found something very interesting... A woman in yellowish green armor talking to another woman in a green military soldier's uniform. Next to them was a green colored flag.

"Oooh... She's pretty... Wait a minute! I think I should tell Church of my discovery! Yes! I did something good! Maybe Church will finally be my friend!"

Caboose ran downstairs to tell of his interesting discovery. He found Tex lying down on a cot, and Church and Tucker were playing cards.

"Got any sixes?" Church asked.

"Go fish," replied Tucker.

"Okay, are we seriously this fucking bored that we resort to this game? Ae you kidding me?"

Tucker merely shrugged. "Got any twos?"

"Church! Tucker! I have an important announcement!" Caboose shouted.

"Okay, this game is better than listening to his voice, but I'll humor him. What is it, Caboose?" Church asked.

"Guys! I found two girls talking over by the cliffside of the canyon, and I'm pretty sure I've never seen them before! Plus, they were wearing green!"

"Really?" Tucker asked, with almost excitement in his voice. "Was there anyone else?"

"No, just the two girls."

"So... two girls all alone together... Bow chika bow wow!"

Church glared at Tucker. Tex was woken up by Tucker's sexist mind. She knew she can't sleep with this asshole around.

"Caboose, give your sniper rifle. I'm gonna check this out," Church said. He took the rifle from Caboose's hand and ran upstairs. Interested in the current situation, Tex followed him. Then, Tucker faced Caboose.

"You know, I remember the first time I got laid... I was in high school. I was so young and naive... free of responsibility, and I still had my innocence. Yeah, those were the days..."

**Meanwhile, back to Church and Tex...**

"Damn it, i never knew how to use this thing. Caboose fucked up the scope!" Said a very frustrated Tex.

"Church, just give me the damn thing!" Tex said, as she pried the sniper from his hands, and started searching for these strangers. "Wait a minute... I see something... a flag!"

"Hold on, let me see!" Church demanded. Tex let him look through the scope. It was a green flag, with a clover and two swords making an x through it. "What the hell are these guys? Irish pirates?"

"No... wait. I recognize that flag. That looks familiar... that looks like a freelancer's flag," Tex acknowledged.

"Anyone you worked with?" Church asked.

"No. There's other freelancers aside from my group. I highly doubt they have state codenames."

"I need to ask Caboose a couple things about these people he saw," said Church, as he darted down the stairs. He found Tucker and Caboose engaged in conversation.

"Do you know what would be the ultimate paradox? You know how cats always land on their feet? And do you know how buttered toast always lands on the buttered side? Well, what if you strap a piece of buttered toast to a cat's back, and threw it off the building!?"

"Uhh... wouldn't the cat land on it's feet?" asked a very confused Tucker.

"No! Because it would have to land on it's buttered side! And cats always land on their feet!"

"Wait, how did we go from talking about chicks to this?"

"Well, you mentioned the word "pussy," so while you were talking, my mind kind of wandered, and thought of this..."

"Whoah! Wait! I'm not talking about that kind of..." Tucker tried to think of a way Caboose would understand this. He whispered a couple things in Caboose's ear. Tucker was given a very horrifed and sickened stare.

"What?! Oh my god! You are sick! Why would you do that to someone's cat!?"

"WHAT? No! Not like that!"

"Guys, cut the bullshit, I need to speak to Caboose. Caboose, what did these girls look like? Did they happen to be Irish or something?" Church interrupted.

"No, one of them was definitely Asian. The other girl was Caucasian, with light brown short hair, and blue eyes. And her hair probably smells like coconuts."

"Err... okay. For a complete dipshit, you're very observant," Church replied.

"Wait a tick... Church, did you give Caboose a compliment?" Tucker asked, dumbfounded.

"Yeah, but by saying something negative, I cancel it out. That's why I called him a dipshit. Aside from the fact that he already is one."

"What, Caboose what do you mean her hair probably smells like coconut?" Tucker asked.

"It's a gift! Like, the Asian girl's hair probably smells like vanilla. Sister's hair smells like bananas. Tex's hair smells like brown sugar. Tucker's hair smells like assorted fruits. And Church, I'm pretty sure your hair smells like motor oil."

"Did you go through my shampoos?" Tex asked, purely astounded.

"How the fuck does that make any sense to you Caboose? I swear, I wonder what it's like living in your world for ten seconds..." Church said, purely giving up.

"I think we should go investigate. Who knows what we might find out. Maybe something... naughty? Bow chika bow wow!"

"Tucker, shut the fuck up! Now let's get out of here! Before Sister, Doc, and your little hallspawn you call a son come back!" Church yelled, as the Blues packed their equipment and hiked toward the cliffs. Who knows the strange mysteries that might be discovered... deep inside the place where these women-

"Bow chika bow wow!"

"Shut up! I swear to god, if I had a nickel for every time I got annoyed by hearing you say that, I'd be richer than fucking Bill Gates!"

**And that's the end of episode 1. So tell me what you think, and review!**


	2. Episode 2

Hey guys! Thanks to those who actually reviewed. Updates are gonna take a lot longer. Sorry. Well, let's get on with this.

The Blues were hiking up the cliffs, toward the clearing where the Greens supposedly were. It was a hard and stressful hike. And some people were starting to get a little bitchy about it...

"Guys, can we take a break? Seriously, why couldn't we just steal the Reds' jeep or something, then just drive up? I'm getting really tired here... Are you even listening to me? ANSWER ME!" Tex complained.

"Tex, you of all people I'm surprised to hear you complain," Church said. "Yeah, well I blame you for all our problems," Tex shot back. Tucker nodded in agreement.

"Well I'm really sorry, Mrs. Bitchy McBitch Bitcher of the Bitchlands," Church said sarcastically. "Yeah? I'll show you bitching!" Tex said with a hint of annoyance.

"Hey you bitches, quit bitching at each other!" Tucker exclaimed, as he continued hiking.

"Who you calling a bitch, you dumb bitch?"

"Bitch!" Caboose shouted out to no one imparticular. Everybody exchanged glances.

"Shut up, bitch," they all said to each other at the same time. As they continued the hike, they came across the mesa with the green flag, fluttering in the breeze. However, that was it. No cave or base with other people or anything. Just an empty mesa.

"Well this was a load of bullshit. Caboose, are you sure you saw people?" Church asked.

"Yeah, what the hell man? All I see is a bunch of rocks! There's no chicks around here! Just when I thought I could maybe trust you, you turn out to be full of shit! Now I'll never get to see a chick!" Tucker exclaimed.

"You realize I am a girl, right? I don't know how many times I need to tell you this," Tex told Tucker, very annoyed again.

"Yeah, well are you willing to sleep with me? No? In my terms, I consider a "chick" as a girl who doesn't already hate me, and has potential to like me, and eventually get it on with me. You? You're just a girl I know."

Tex slapped Tucker and started beating the shit out of him with her rifle.

"Guys, fucking stop it! Now think here... Caboose actually had a lead here. Why the hell else would there be a green flag in the middle of nowwhere? Someone is definitely around here somewhere. Caboose, did you see anyone else or something?" Church asked.

"No. The two girls were standing right here... next to the leprechaun..." Caboose hesitantly said.

"What the hell? Maybe he is full of shit after all..." Church said, once again being reminded of the consequences of agreeing with Caboose.

"I'm telling you they were right here! I saw them! Why won't anyone listen to me?" Caboose asked. Sighing, Caboose turned his back on the team and sat on a rock, which actually appeared to be a metal console painted brown to look like a rock, and sat on a button, accidentally activating a secret door causing the ground beneath the Blues to move, revealing a secret passage. Church, Tucker, and Tex fell in, and the doors closed, leaving Caboose still on the surface and totally oblivious to what had happened.

"Hey, Church, why do... Church? Church? Where'd you go?"

"I'm under here, Caboose. What the hell happened?" Church asked from under Caboose's feet.

"Church! What are you doing down there? Did you dig a tunnel underground? Church, are you a gopher?"

"Yes, Caboose. That's it. I'm a motherfucking gopher. What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Church replied, pissed of, yet still retaining the sarcasm.

"Are you hungry, little guy? Do you want some wheat? Or berries? Or ice cream? Or what ever gophers eat?"

"No, I don't want any fucking ice cream! Don't you get sarcasm? God! Now Caboose, did you touch anthing up there?"

"Let's see... I touched my armor, my gun, my fork, my breakfast, my orange juice..."

"No, dipshit! I mean while we were up here! In this mesa!"

"Oh. Hmm... I touched a rock."

"Well? Maybe it was a switch or something! Just get us out of here!" Church yelled, his patience running thin.

After trying to find the rock for a while, Caboose managed to find the rock. After hitting the button, the ground opened up again, and Caboose regrouped with the squad. Underground, there was metal wall, making a single hallway leading up to a thick metal blast door. There was a nearby console that requested a password, and that was seemingly the only way to open the door.

"Tucker, try shooting the door with your gun" Church ordered.

Tucker fired a single round at the door, and it was deflected, hitting Tucker on his foot.

"Ow! What the fuck, man!?" Tucker shouted, hopping on one foot, and clutching the other. Tex laughed, and was clearly showing she was enjoying seeing Tucker in pain. "Stop laughing at me, Ms. Bitchy Bitch!"

"No Tucker, it's Mrs. Bitchy McBitch Bitcher of the Bitchlands," Church corrected.

Tex slapped Church. "Asshole."

"Okay, seriously. The only way to open this door, is a hell of a lot of C4 and explosives. Guys, give me your charges and grenades," Church asked.

"Umm... we don't have explosives..." Tucker explained.

"No grenades? Anything? Why?"

"Remember Caboose's little 4th of July celebration, earlier this year?" Tucker, Church and Tex reminisced on that rather unpleasant memory... glaring at Caboose while doing it.

"Church and Tex... once again, I am very sorry for killing you... again..." Caboose said shyly and embarrased.

"Well where the hell do we get enough explosives? I highly doubt Command is reliable."

"We could always 'borrow some from the Reds," Tucker suggested.

"Well, it's better than anything I can come up with. Alright. Let's go to Red base," Church said as he lead the way back to surface.

"Yeah... we're screwed..." Tucker said dissapointedly.

"Stop being a pussy. You need to try harder," Tex said.

"Hey, I don't think I can get any harder for you, Tex! Bow chicka bow wow!"

"Fuck you."


	3. Episode 3

**At Red base...**

"Grif, I highly doubt this will put you in Sarge's good graces." Said a man in maroon armor.

"C'mon! You know how much Sarge loves that gun! He likes it more than you as a matter of fact," said the man in yell... I mean orange armor.

"This isn't gonna end well," was all Simmons could say at the moment.

**A mere few moments later...**

"Simmons! This is the greatest gift ever! You fixed my gun, polished it, and even equiped it with Grif-seeking bullets! How thoughtful!" said an unusually happy Sarge.

"Grif, you dumbass! Why would you put Grif-seeking bullets, if you know if it's gonna end up shooting you? Do you have a deathwish?!" Simmons said shocked at his stupidity.

"Well, I know Sarge likes it. So, maybe in that thick skull of his, he'll maybe make me do less stuff. He's been on my ass all day telling me to work harder. Can you believe it? Me? Work at all, let alone hard? Geez..." Grif said, not caring to look in Simmons' direction while he watched TV.

"Grif, you realize you're probably going to get shot in the ass every time Sarge fires a Grif round."

"So what? Bettet getting shot at than actually getting off my ass..."

Sarge was running in the room, with his shotgun. He fired the gun in a random area and the bullets re-directed to Grif's direction, and got him in the crotch.

"OW! What the fuck man?!" Grif said, as he cupped his family jewels.

"Simmons! I must say, this is super effective! There is no finer weapon in the Red Army, if I do say so myself!" Sarge said, amazed.

"Actually sir, it was Grif who made it," Simmons corrected.

"What...?! Grif! This is a piece of crap! Now I'm gonna have to get it replaced by Command! Damn it! You missed a bunch off spots when polishing it, and you polished too much on other places! The pieces are replaced with a bunch of parts from other guns! What kind of use is a pistol grip on a shotgun! Seriously? And your Grif bullets are inaccurate!" Sarge said frustrated. He fired at Grif once more, and the bullets targeted Grif and shot him in the stomach while he was still down.

"OW! Damn it, what do you mean 'innaccurate?!'"

"If these were real Grif bullets, they'd immediatly target the head, and kill you, but at the same time, bring you back to life so I can kill you again! This is a disgrace! Go out and actually do something, Dirtbag!"

"Yes sir," Grif said sighing.

"Lopez! Get your shiny metal keister over here, pronto! C'mon, rapido!"

"Si, senor?" (Yes, sir?) Lopez said as he walked over, before Sarge even finished the sentence.

"Modify this gun, so it can fire bullets like I just described earlier, and would you test it on Grif?"

"El hombre anaranjada? Por supuesto!" (The orange man? Of course!")

"Hehe. That's my boy. Now go on, now Go muy rapido con burrito taco and stuff, por favor!"

"Tu Espanol es horrible." (Your Spanish is horrible.)

"I hate Grif too, Lopez. With a passion."

**Meanwhile, outside...**

"Damn it, this sucks. Why did I still get my ass chewed by him? I did everything flawlessly," Grif whined.

"Well, because Sarge hates you with a passion. And because you suck," Simmons said.

"No, you suck!" Grif retorted.

"You suck, cuz you are a lazy ass."

"You suck, cuz you are a kiss ass."

"You suck, cuz your sister is a colorblind slut on the Blue Team!"

"Oh! You got me! You suck, cuz you never had a father and your mom never liked you and you have to treat Sarge like your Daddy."

"You... dickhead!" Simmons cried, as he ran away.

"Hmph. Pussy."

**To the Blues...**

"Okay... there it is. Caboose, you said you were friends with one of those guys?" Church asked.

"Yeah. Her name was... Dunkin' or something..." Caboose said.

"Alright then. See if this person is guarding a door, then distract him."

"Distract? How do I do that?"

"Erm... cancel that order. Play a game with him. A very long game and keep him occupied, because I think he or she might really be bored out there..." Church said trying to say it in a way Caboose understands. Caboose nodded and headed his way.

"Pray to God..."

**Back at Red base...**

"Hey, Donut!" Grif called.

"Yes? What is it? This better be worth missing Access Hollywood!" The pink clad man responded.

"Well, Sarge wants you to be on guard duty."

"Hmm... I don't know... I'm pretty sure that Sarge would've told me himself..."

"Did I mention Brad Pitt coming over? Cause I mean... I can get someone else to welcome hi-"

"OMG! Brad Pitt?! O-M-G!!! Wow! No, I'll wait here! Finally, I can get his autograph! And smack him upside the head for leaving Jen! God, Angelina is a slut!"

"Er... okay... just sit out here for a few hours," Grif said leaving Donut.

"Wow. Brad Pitt! What a piece of man candy!" Donut said with giddy excitement, though even he himself is unaware of how much gayer he is getting day by day. Then, Donut heard a voice.

"Hi, Muffin Man!"

"Brad Pitt!?"

"No, it's me! Caboose! Remember me?"

"Oh, hi Caboose! Have you seen Brad Pitt anywhere?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, what are you doing here, Caboose?"

"I was wondering, if you want to play a game or something."

"Oh, really? How about hopscotch?"

"That sounds like fun!" Caboose said. A few moments later, he saw the rest of the Blues attempting to sneak in. "Wait a minute... that looks like... Church! Church! Hi! What'cha doing?" Caboose yelled.

"Caboose, shut the fuck up!" Church whispered.

"What?!" Caboose yelled.

"What are you do- Oh my god! Intruders! Intruders! They've penetrated our defenses!" Donut yelled on his Radio.

The Blues quickly ran inside the base, while Grif and Simmons were outside.

"Damn it! Way to go, dipshit! Because of you, the Blues infiltrated our base! You are a horrible outside guard!" Simmons said.

"No, maybe I don't suck. Maybe you suck, because you guard the inside, and you just came out here, letting the Blues inside, and having Sarge fend them off himself. What kind of soldier are you?!" Grif shot back.

"Oh my god, you're right! I'm coming, Sarge!"

"Loser."

**To the Blues...**

"Damn. This didn't go too smoothly. We suck at penetrating these defenses," Church complained.

"Maybe you should've just sent me! I know a thing or two about penetrating! Bow chicka bow wow!" Tucker said.

As they tried to look around for an armory, Sarge and Lopez stormed the room!"

"Time to die, dirtbags!" Sarge yelled. He fired his gun, but however, the bullets fired and redirected outside killing Grif, but ressurecting him at the same time. "Lopez, did you throw away all the ammo I had and replaced it with Grif-round like I told you to?"

"Si. Yo tengo." (Yes. I have.)

"Well, disregard that order, and fish out the rest of my normal ammo."

"Si."

While everbody was guns a blazing, Tex was able to use her stealth camoflauge device to infiltrate and retrieve a suitable amount of explosives.

"Guys, time to go!" she called out.

Everybody evacuated, while the Reds chased them down. The Blues found Caboose playing patty-cake with Donut and had to drag his ass out. They had what they needed, and needed to get to the mesa to discover the truth of these "Greens."

"Damn it! Lopez! Get the Chupathingy! Or Warthog! Whatever, just bring the jeep! We can't lose those Blue turd-bags!" Sarge exclaimed.

"But I never saw Brad Pitt!" Donut whined.

"Shut up, Donut. God, because of you, we have to actually do something today," Grif said.

"Simmons, do you know where they're goin'?" Sarge asked.

"How the fuck should I know, sir?"

"Good point. Well, saddle up, and let's get cracking!"


End file.
